For the Cutest Girl in the Garden
by Carbuncle
Summary: Irvine is forced to turn to Squall for advice on a personal problem.


FINAL FANTASY VIII  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: Nope, that isn't a typo up there ^_^ This is a FFVIII fanfic, and it's my first ever. I was a little unsure as to whether I should have written one or not, but what the hell, I did it anyway! Hope ya enjoy the story! If you don't laugh, then you have no soul.  
  
For the Cutest Girl in the Garden  
  
(Open to Balamb Garden, the cafeteria. Squall, Rinoa, Quistis and Irvine (there just aren't enough main playable characters in this game) are sitting at their table)  
Rinoa: So then the necrophiliac says, "If this ain't a cadaver, then-"  
Squall: Yeah, great joke, Rinoa.  
Rinoa: Hey, I'm not finished yet!  
Squall: Oh, okay. Then please continue, babe.  
Rinoa: Thank you! So then the necrophiliac says, "If this ain't a cadaver-" (Irvine sighs) Am I boring you, Irvine?  
Irvine: ...yes.  
Rinoa: Well, how rude!  
Irvine: I've got a lot on my mind...  
Quistis: What's the matter, Irvine? You're usually so carefree.  
Irvine: What would you know, you ugly skank?!  
Quistis: ...  
Squall: ...  
Rinoa: ...  
Irvine: Squall, can I talk to you... in private?  
Squall: Uh, sure. Excuse us, ladies. (he and Irvine get up and walk over to an empty section of the cafeteria) What up?  
Irvine: I... I have a problem... y'know, down below...  
Squall: ...I'm not with you.  
Irvine: Okay, let me try and put it another way... Ahem, Mister Winky isn't comin' out to say hello as often as he used to.  
Squall: ...I don't know what you mean.  
Irvine: (shouting) Aaagh! I can't get an erection, dammit! (his voice echoes through the cafeteria)  
Rinoa: (in the background) Oh, my God!  
Irvine: (cries) I'm so lame!  
Squall: Whoa, um, look, Irvine, there's no great shame in not being able to get it up. It happens to us all.  
Irvine: (sniffs) R... Really?  
Squall: Sure! Just ask Zell!  
Irvine: How would you know if Zell couldn't get it up?  
Squall: I spend a lot of time in the library reading fanfiction.  
Irvine: What should I do, Squall?! I can't satisfy my cutie Selphie without my hot rod!  
Squall: Well, just send her my way. I'll make her smile.  
Irvine: (pissed off) You son of a-  
Squall: Whoa, whoa! I'm just kidding!  
Irvine: (cries) I'm so lame!  
Squall: Don't worry, Irvine. We'll get you an erection.  
Irvine: How?  
Squall: I'm not sure yet. But leave it with me. You just sit tight here for a while.  
Irvine: Oh... Okay, uh, and Squall?  
Squall: Yeah?  
Irvine: This is just between you and me, right?  
Squall: Uh huh, oh, and the entire cafeteria.  
Irvine: ...oh, yeah. I forgot about them.  
  
(Cut to Zell's dorm. Zell is lying on his bed)  
Zell: #Can't get enough of that wonderful Duff, Duff Beer!#  
Squall: (walks in) Zell, I thought you'd be here.  
Zell: (sits up) Hi, Squall. You need somethin'?  
Squall: Do you know how to get an erection?  
Zell: !?!?!?!?!?  
Squall: ...Zell?  
Zell: WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT, SQUALL?!  
Squall: Oh, I don't even know why I'm asking you anyway.  
Zell: Look, man, if you're propositionin' me then-  
Squall: No, no! I'm not! Honestly! I have a total hottie named Rinoa. Why the heck would I want you for?  
Zell: (lies down again) Well, that's all right then.  
Squall: I'll level with you. Irvine can't get an erection anymore. He needs help.  
Zell: WHAT?! Irvine the ladies' man?! Irvine the ladies' man can't get an erection?! Oh, man! (bursts out laughing)  
Squall: Silence, Zell! You're not helping!  
Zell: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! But that's the funniest thing I've heard all day! No, all week! No, I mean all month! Wait, it's been a slow year so far...  
Squall: We have to help Irvine get an erection, otherwise Selphie is gonna leave him.  
Zell: Are you sure?  
Squall: Not really, but I know Irvine is really upset.  
Zell: (laughs) What a pansy!  
Squall: C'mon, Zell, if we needed help, then Irvine would help us, right?  
Zell: (thinks) ...no.  
Squall: Let's go!  
  
(Cut to the hallway. Squall and Zell are running down the corridor, when they run into Selphie ^_^ Cute, cute Selphie)  
Squall & Zell & Selphie: Watch where you're going!  
Selphie: Squall? Zell? What are you two doing running around like that?  
Squall: Hi, Selphie. Uh, have you seen Irvine today?  
Selphie: No, why?  
Squall: Nothing. Come, Zell.  
Zell: ...see ya, Selphie. (he and Squall run off)  
Selphie: (to herself) Hmm, they're up to something...  
  
(Cut to the cafeteria. Irvine is sitting alone at the table, when Squall and Zell burst in)  
Squall: Hey, Irvine. I brought some help.  
Irvine: Zell?  
Zell: Sorry to hear about your... problem.  
Irvine: (to Squall) WHAT?! You told him?!  
Squall: I had to. 'Sides, Zell isn't gonna say anything. He's not stupid.  
Zell: Your secret is safe with me, Irvy-boy!  
Irvine: Stop humorin' me!  
Squall: Now we can work on getting an erection. (Seifer, Raijin and Fujin run into the cafeteria)  
Seifer: There he is!  
Raijin: Told ya he was here, ya know!  
Fujin: LOSER!  
Squall: What do you three want?  
Seifer: We heard about your little unfortunate problem.  
Zell: What the hell are you talkin' about?!  
Raijin: Your friend can't get an erection, ya know!  
Fujin: TRUE!  
Seifer: Heh, the whole Garden is talkin' about it. You must be pretty embarrassed.  
Irvine: (cries) My life is over!  
Squall: Don't worry, Irvine. We'll fix your wee wee, or die trying!  
Seifer: Wonder what your girlfriend'll say...? I guess she'll dump you and go for a REAL man like me, huh?  
Irvine: (cries) Selphie! Oh, God!  
Seifer: (to Raijin and Fujin) C'mon, you two, let's go spread the word to the rest of the students.  
Raijin: I'd hate to be that jerk, ya know!  
Fujin: IDIOT! (the three friends run off)  
Irvine: Squall, if you've got a plan, now might be a good time to use it!  
Squall: Irvine, Zell, pack your bags! We're going to Las Vegas!  
Zell: Las Vegas? Where's that?  
Squall: Oh, I mean, we're going to the Costa del Sol!  
Irvine: Is that a state?  
Squall: Dammit! What I meant to say was: we're going to Timber!  
  
(Cut to Timber, the train station. Squall, Irvine and Zell get off the train)  
Zell: Squall, explain again why we had to go to Timber.  
Squall: Why? You already know why we're here!  
Zell: Yeah, but they don't.  
Squall: Who's they?!  
Zell: Y'know, them. They're bastards.  
Squall: You are so weird sometimes, Zell Dincht. We're here 'cause we're looking for Rinoa's friend Zone.  
Zell: What for?  
Squall: Because he has lots of naughty magazines.  
Zell: Ooh! Are we plannin' on spankin' the monkey?  
Squall: No! We're here for Irvine, remember? Once he sees all those hot girls, then he'll get his erection straight away, and then he can give it to Selphie.  
Zell: That makes sense.  
Irvine: (cries) I'm the lamest guy that ever lived!  
  
(Cut to the magazine store. Zone and Watts are standing outside. Squall, Irvine and Zell walk on by)  
Zone: (reading a magazine) Ooh, what a hottie!  
Watts: Can I see?  
Zone: No!  
Squall: At last! We've found you!  
Watts: Sir! Nice to see you again! How's Rinoa?  
Squall: Oh, she's still sexy. How're you?  
Watts: We're-  
Squall: That's nice. Hey, Zone, can we borrow a copy of Girl Next Door?  
Zone: Buy your own filth! This copy is mine! I only just bought it! I haven't even masturbated over the cover girl yet!  
Squall: But our friend Irvine is desperate!  
Zone: Then get yourself a real girlfriend! These girls aren't gonna magically come to life, y'know?! Not unless you believe in miracles. Which I don't, and neither do you guys.  
Irvine: (cries) All is lost!  
Zell: Look, Zone, or whatever your name is. We just came all the way from Balamb to get a copy of that magazine, and we ain't leavin' without one.  
Zone: Oh, all right! Since you're friends of Rinoa's, then I suppose I can let you have it. But don't get your sticky excrement all over the pages, ya hear?!  
Zell: (sarcastically) Thank you!  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the cafeteria. Quistis, Rinoa and Selphie are all talking together)  
Rinoa: So then the necrophiliac says, "If this ain't a cadaver, then-"  
Quistis: (ignoring Rinoa) So, Selphie, I must admit, you're taking this very well. We all thought you'd be devastated.  
Selphie: Oh, I don't mind that Irvy can't get it up. I love him for who he is, not for how he is.  
Quistis: I don't know if I could ever be so understanding...  
Selphie: Shut up, you whore!  
Quistis: ...  
Rinoa: Oh, wait a go, Quistis! You just interrupted my joke again, didn't you?!  
Quistis: ...  
Selphie: Come on, Rinoa. Let's go to my room and finger paint.  
Rinoa: Yeah, finger painting's cool. (she and Selphie and leave; Quistis sheds a tear)  
  
(Cut to Zell's dorm. Squall, Zell and Irvine are all reading the dirty magazine)  
Squall: Mmm, she's not bad.  
Zell: Woo! Rinoa would kill you if she could hear you now!  
Squall: She'd be okay with this.  
Zell: Yeah, right. 'Sides, you've already got the hottest girl on the planet. Why would you want one of these?!  
Squall: Hey, I can look, all right?!  
Zell: Irvine, feel anything yet?  
Irvine: ...no! It's still limp!  
Squall: WHAT?! But these girls are naked!  
Irvine: I know!  
Squall: They're hot and they're naked!  
Irvine: I know, I know!  
Zell: Man, this is freaky...  
Squall: Perhaps you should go see Dr. Kadowaki...  
Irvine: No way! She's a chick!  
Zell: Then how about Dr. Wackybaccy? (Sorry, Flayme!)  
Irvine: He's always whacked out on smack! I wouldn't trust him with my life, let alone my manhood!  
Zell: Then you're screwed.  
Rinoa: (from outside) ...and you're honestly okay with it?  
Selphie: (from outside) For the last time, yes!  
Irvine: (gasps) It's Selphie!  
Squall: Sounds like they're out in the hall.  
Zell: Quick! Let's eavesdrop! (they run to the door and listen outside)  
  
(Cut to the hallway. Rinoa and Selphie are walking through)  
Rinoa: Well, I can't say I blame you for sticking by your man no matter what. I mean, I wouldn't really care if Squall couldn't get an erection, either. I guess we're quite alike in some ways.  
Selphie: Yeah, except Quistis. She's got no one.  
Rinoa: Yeah, what a bitch.  
Selphie: Irvine is my life. I couldn't live without him, so I'm not gonna let some little flaw in his wee wee drive us apart.  
  
(Cut to Zell's dorm. Squall, Irvine and Zell are still all pressed against the door)  
Irvine: You hear that, guys?! Selphie still loves me! Yes! She still loves me! Hurray! (suddenly, the door collapses and they all fall outside)  
  
(Cut to the hallway. Squall, Irvine, Zell and the door all fall to the floor. Rinoa and Selphie gasp in amazement)  
Selphie: Gosh! Are you all right? (they all get up)  
Irvine: (hugs Selphie) I love you, Selphie Tilmitt!  
Selphie: (chokes) Irvy, you're choking me! ^_^ Help!  
Squall: Phew! I'm sure glad everything worked out okay in the end!  
Zell: Yeah!  
Rinoa: (looks into Zell's dorm) Hey, what are those on Zell's bed? (walks into Zell's dorm)  
Squall: ...  
Zell: ...  
Rinoa: (from inside Zell's dorm) Squall! What have you been doing in here?!  
Squall: Whoops! I'm in trouble now! (runs off)  
Rinoa: (runs out of the room and chases Squall down the corridor) Wait until I get my hands on you, you pervert!  
Squall: Aaagh! Save me!  
Zell: What a day! I need a hotdog!  
Irvine: Ooh, my pants feel funny...  
Selphie: Yippee! ^_^  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
